


Three Little Words

by AliceLiddle



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Despite all appearances there is no MCD, Love Confessions, M/M, spoilers in the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29471061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceLiddle/pseuds/AliceLiddle
Summary: It's hard to bite your tongue and swallow back the truth - so Baz doesn't.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 7
Kudos: 71





	Three Little Words

**Author's Note:**

  * For [waterwings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterwings/gifts).



> Happy birthday Amy!!!
> 
> You are an all-around wonderful person, and I am so glad that I get to know you. I hope that you have the happiest of days today ❤ I did my best to write you some angst, and I borrowed some inspiration from a few of your other fics (as well as some fics you've recommended to me), so I hope that you like it!
> 
> Thank you for being such a good friend, as well as being an all-star beta; it was strange not being able to ask you to beta this fic! Luckily, we have wonderful friends like [Caity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitybug/pseuds/Caitybug) and [Liz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lafeli85/pseuds/Fool%20of%20a%20Book%20Wyrm) who were willing to help me polish this up for you, thank you guys!
> 
> (I did borrow and then tweak a bit of dialogue from canon, you'll know it when you see it, so obviously I can't take credit for those lines, only Rainbow can)
> 
> ALSO: Liz is amazing, and made you [a playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3PQj4dlA5mJA9CxWQHh3Cy?si=2dd4844888b1429b&nd=1) to go with this fic!! She did an incredible job capturing the emotional feel of everything and picking wonderful songs, so I hope you enjoy her playlist too!

**Baz**

“I love you.”

Simon is frozen in horror, his sword hanging limply from his hand where just moments ago it was poised to strike.

I wasn’t trying to prolong my life, I just wanted to tell him the truth for once before he killed me. I’ve said it, now I can go.

His blue eyes grow wide, and I can see the emotions flash across them. He’s angry, scared, confused, and maybe even sad, but I can’t fix any of that for him. All I can do is go.

I nod my head.

He tenses.

Raises his sword.

And I don’t even feel the pain as he drives it through my chest.

The last thing I see are his plain blue eyes, starting to fill with tears.

* * *

I’m in fifth year, just starting to realize exactly how deep my feelings for Simon run. The feelings of loathing, disgust, and contempt have been shoved to the side to make room for unspeakably warm vines to grow through my heart and wrap around my stomach. Every moment I spend with him feels like the most exquisite torture.

He has his tongue poking out between his teeth and one hand tugging on his curls as he bends his head closer to the Latin he’s struggling to translate. His cheeks are pink, turning redder by the second, and I can just start to make out the haze of his magic sweeping the room. I inhale green smoke mixed with something warm and fatty and sweet. I feel a happy buzzing in my head, akin to the few times I’ve nicked Fiona’s whiskey.

Snow starts to mumble disjointed Latin, and half of the phrases I catch are incorrect. He’s trying, but he keeps switching the words around for some inexplicable reason, and his jumbled sentences are getting worse.

“Dogs… beware,” he whispers, and throws himself back in his chair. “That doesn’t make any fucking sense! What do the dogs have to beware _of?_ ”

A puff of air slips through my lips as I try not to laugh at him, and he whips around to glare at me.

“What’s so funny?”

He has a smudge of pencil crossing his cheek.

“Nothing,” I say, and I know it sounds unconvincing.

“Prick,” he mutters, turning back around to stew over his homework some more.

The sun streaming through the open window is warm for once, and I feel happy and sleepy and a little bit drunk on the start of summer and Simon’s magic, so I laugh as the words come to me without a second thought.

“I love you.”

Simon stiffens, stock still for a beat before turning around to face me once more.

“ _What?_ ”

My contented feeling is gone, and my fuzzy head is now clear. I grab my wand and run out of the room, trying not to see the suspicious glare Snow is leveling me with.

I manage to make it to the Catacombs before I cry, and I manage to pull myself together long enough to slink back to Mummers and knock on Dev and Niall’s door. I skip class for a week. Snow ignores me when I come back.

* * *

Simon Snow is lying on the sofa. There’s a bottle of cider on the floor beside him, and it topples when his tail gives an agitated twitch as I walk into the room. I don’t say anything, I just grab a cloth and wipe up the spill, resisting the urge to run my fingers through Simon’s curls while I’m so close.

His tail whips around again, his eyebrows draw in, and I don’t have a clue what I’ve done to upset him. (Other than exist. Some days I think he truly hates me again, maybe even more than he did when we were at Watford.)

“Are you alright, love?” _Don’t sound so soft, don’t sound too detached, don’t sound too strong, you’ll just make it worse._

“Why don’t you use your fucking magic?” he spits, struggling up into a sitting position.

“What?”

This is more emotion than I’ve seen from Simon in ages, and more words all at once than I’ve heard in weeks.

“You have a wand, _use it_.” He’s glaring at me, and I’m at a loss.

“I-”

“ **Spick and span** , **Out, damned spot** , **As you were** , **Clean as a whistle** , you have cleaning spells, just use them!”

The only thing I can think of over the rushing sound of panic in my ears is the fact that this might be the most proficient Simon has ever been when it comes to magic, and he doesn’t have anything left in him to cast the spells for himself.

“I’m the one who’s broken, you’re not, so just use your fucking magic!”

“Simon, you’re not broken.”

My gentle tone just makes him even angrier.

“Yes I am!” His face is red and his eyes look like he might cry, but he’s set his chin. He’s digging in for a fight, and I’m not going to let him win this one. Snow and I are good at fighting, we’ve had almost nine years of practice by now, and I know how to give just as good as I get from him.

“No, you’re not! You sacrificed yourself to stop the Humdrum and save all of magic, you’re not broken.”

“I am! I broke when I did that! What I did doesn’t cancel out what happened to me! I. Don’t. Have. Any. More. Magic. It’s gone! I gave it up! So use yours, and stop wasting your time on me!”

Simon isn’t crying yet, but I want to. My heart breaks every time I look at him, and now it’s shattering into a million pieces inside my chest. All I’ve ever wanted to do was love him, and I feel sick with the frustration and sadness of knowing that he won’t let me.

“I’m not wasting my time on you! I chose you, I want to be here, I want to help you!”

“I’m not holding you to that! I told you before, you can change your mind!”

We’re both shouting now, and I think we’re both shaking a bit too. Simon’s sitting up straighter than he has in weeks, and his wings are flaring out on either side of him. He’s still so lovely, even depressed and furious. I would gather him up into my arms if it wouldn’t make everything so much worse.

“I’m not going to! I love you, why won’t you believe that?”

I freeze. Suddenly I’m aware that I’m towering over Simon, and he’s frozen too. His eyes have widened, and his wings drooped just the slightest bit, but other than that he doesn’t react.

“Simon?” I kneel back down beside him, frantically trying to make eye contact and resisting the urge to grab his hands. “Simon, love, I’m sorry, I meant to pick a better time to tell you, I didn’t mean to yell, but it is the truth, I do-”

I’m babbling and I can’t seem to stop. Somewhere inside my head I can hear a voice telling me to pull it together, but it’s drowned out by the fear that I’ve lost Simon forever now. He cuts me off.

“Go away.”

“What?” The tears that were threatening to spill over just a moment ago have suddenly dried up in my eyes as terror washes over me.

“Go. Away. Just, leave. No, I- You don’t. I don’t. Go away, Baz.” He turns back into the sofa and lies down again, curling his wings around him and blocking me out entirely.

I can’t move for a moment, paralyzed by the realization that this may actually be the end, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Then I flee.

As I shut the door to the Snow-Bunce flat I hear a faint, muffled sob, and I can’t tell if it comes from him or me.

* * *

“Imagine,” I say, “you’re a pixie. I know it’s distasteful, but imagine - you’re a _pixie_ , and you have a daughter, and you name her _Trixie. Trixie the pixie._ ” Snow looks like he’s about to say something in support of Trixie, so I keep talking. “It’s like being a fairy named Mary.”

Penelope laughs, but then she scrunches up her face. “In Trixie’s defense, the pixies probably don’t go around calling themselves ’pixies’.”

“Yeah!” Snow says, ready to jump to the immediate defense of anyone I’ve maligned. “And I’m sure there are lots of other people with rhyming names.”

“Yes, but can you think of any that aren’t horrible?” I counter.

“You could be a human named Newman,” Penny ventures, “or a boy named Roy, I suppose.”

“Those are still awful names, Bunce, aside from the obvious exception.”

“You could be a vampire named Gampire,” Snow suggests, and both Bunce and I turn to look at him.

“Gampire isn’t even a proper name, Snow. You’re terrible at this game,” I say, trying not to laugh at him. Bunce has no such restraint.

“It still- It could be!” he blusters.

“No, it really couldn’t. You’re ridiculous, and so is that name.” I wonder if Simon can tell that I’m fighting back a smile.

“All names are ridiculous, we’re just more used to some of them than others. Besides, you’re one to talk, _Tyrannus Basilton_.” His voice lilts at the end, and for a moment I’m awash in imagining what it would be like to have this easy banter all the time, instead of barbed jabs and silence.

“Oh really, Simon _Snow?_ ”

He’s smiling at me, and I’m smiling back. It’s fucking weird, but I’m caught up in the euphoria of it.

“Piss off,” he says with a laugh, and I chuckle too.

“I love you.”

Shit.

I didn’t mean to say that. It was an accident. But now the smile is gone from Simon’s face and he’s glaring at me. I can see him thinking about hitting me, and I mumble out a weak “Anathema,” as I start to panic.

Simon just turns around and stomps down the stairs, saying, “Come on, Penny.”

Bunce gives me a pitying look as she closes the door.

* * *

The air is thick with Snow’s magic, and I can smell his blood just under his skin. I’m not even sure what we’re fighting about this time - Wellbelove, most likely - but Snow stormed over to me while I was studying on the lawn, and started spitting out insults until I retaliated. I did try to remain cool and aloof at first, but Snow has always known just the right things to say to draw me into a fight, and I didn’t feel like resisting his siren’s call today.

“Why do you always have to be,” his elbow punches into my stomach, “such a fucking prick?”

I shove him with a little more strength than is natural and grit out, “It’s a side effect of having to live with _you_.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He’s stepped back up to meet me, and tries to push me back like I just did to him, but I sidestep him, moving to lean against the castle wall. I raise an eyebrow at him, and his anger ratchets up a bit more.

“You’re just- you- why,” he splutters, and I know he’s spinning out of control now. (Well, _more_ out of control.)

He shoves me back into the wall, and when I try to hit him he grabs my wrists and pins my hands to the wall beside my head. His voice is barely more than a whisper when he leans in, breathing hard, and I have to suppress a shiver.

“What are you plotting?”

I roll my eyes, and try not to squirm as he pins me further with his legs. “Nothing, Snow, I’m not plotting anything.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That’s too bad then, Chosen One.” I sneer at him and try to calm my breathing. I make my face into a mask of detached disinterest. I have better things to do than be pinned to a wall by Simon Snow. (I really don’t.)

He’s still angry, but now he looks a bit confused too.

“What are you thinking? Tell me the truth.”

There are a million lies I could give him, and he hasn’t compelled me to speak truthfully with his magic, but I decide to give him what he’s asking for anyway.

“The truth is, Simon,” and he startles a bit at his given name, “is that I am desperately in love with you.”

It takes a second for the pain to bloom in the back of my skull where it slammed into the wall, and by the time I can focus on that instead of the blood dripping from my nose, Simon is gone.

* * *

I look into Simon’s eyes, and I think about all the times I fantasized about saying it. I think about all the times I bit my tongue at the last second, because I could see exactly how it would play out, and how it would blow up in my face. I see the emotion clearly on Simon’s face, and all I can think about is how much I want to tell him the truth.

I can’t wait any longer. I can’t bite my tongue any more.

I might suffocate on the words if I don’t tell him soon.

His arms are around my waist, and I move mine to cradle his face, then stroke his curls back off his forehead for just a moment. He’s smiling up at me, and really, it’s inevitable.

“I love you.”

Every time I said those three little words in my head, I felt fear rush in. I imagined what would happen if I said them aloud, and I only knew how to panic. Now, though, everything is different.

Simon is beaming back up at me, and I can’t help but smile back. He leans in, closing the distance between us, and kisses me so sweetly that it breaks my heart in an entirely new way.

He pulls back, and there’s no mistaking the emotion in his plain blue eyes.

“I love you too, Baz.”

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote the final scene, the song [Fidelity](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wigqKfLWjvM) by Regina Spektor got stuck in my head, so Liz graciously included it on the playlist for me :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, and happy birthday Amy! ❤


End file.
